Tag: fml

Press for Help

Mikayla Olivia Orrson

New Yorkers or tourists,

Have you ever been to the Clark Street station on the 2 and 3 train?

Brooklyn Heights is a lovely (and wealthy) area in Brooklyn. Currently, I work at a hotel restaurant in this neighborhood which means I have to get off everyday at the Clark Street station.

Why is this annoying? Because the only way to get from the train platform to the street is by elevator. So, imagine my frustration as I’m running late to work and having to hold the elevator for people who walk slower then the dead.

Recently, I was on an incredibly packed elevator at this station and I positioned myself as the ‘conductor.’ That’s what I call the person that presses the floors and the door close/open button. On this day, it was me. I was late to work and I was aggressively slamming the ‘close door’ button. Listen here, Frenchies, you can wait for the next elevator, the Brooklyn Bridge isn’t going anywhere.

After the elevator filled up, I finally got the door closed. I was so annoyed, I played me ‘pissy New Yorker card.’ That’s when you look mean and lean on the nearest surface.

The Mean and Lean.

Expect this elevator had a special feature that I learned about.

When I leaned on the wall as my act of ‘Fuck you,’ I hit the PUSH FOR HELP button.

The elevator doors were closed, it’s packed, and not moving. All we hear is the emergency intercom calling.

RING. RING. RING.

That’s when the death glares came my way and I tried to morph into the wall.

Hello. What is your emergency?

I didn’t react at first but this one woman looked like she was going to smack the shit out of me so I leaned in.

Umm hi. Mikayla, here. So sorry. I was leaning against the wall. You know the mean and lean. Well, I accidentally hit this emergency button. But, there isn’t an emergency. I’m very sorry. I hope you have a lovely day.

Radio static.

What is your emergency?

I leaned in further and yelled into the intercom.

THERE ISN’T ONE! WE’RE ALL HAVING A GREAT DAY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

That last part got me more stares.

Did someone lean against the button?

I sighed.

Yes…

And just like that, the elevator moved again and we were freed. I can safely say I didn’t make any friends during this experience and I was very late for work.

Moral of the story: karma will get you for being mean and definitely watch where you lean.

-Mikayla Olivia Orrson

The Importance of Measurements. A Story of Online Ordering.

Mikayla Olivia Orrson

Does the phrase 4×4 mean anything to you? How about 500sq ft? These might as well be French to me! (In case you were wondering, I only know two words in French ‘hello’ and ‘chicken’)

I want to express to everyone how important it is that you understand measurements. Please learn from my mistake.

Would you like to know what is one of the most expensive pieces of furniture in my living room is? A rug.

(Yes, there’s lots of dog and cat hair on it. Deal with it.)

This rug is beautiful, from the pattern, to the coloring, to how good it feels on my bare feet. I ordered it from Wayfarer.com. It was pricey but I wanted a rug to make the hardwood floors more cozy.

I paid $75 plus shipping and handling (it was even on sale). I counted down the days till my glorious threaded treasure would arrive.

When it finally did, I was outraged. It was the size of a bathmat! I called the company and told them they sent me the wrong rug.

I relooked at the order and saw it said, “2×3” This still meant nothing to me. I mean how could something $75 be that small!

That’s when I learned, I now have the World’s Most Expensive Bathmat.

(I may pitch it as tourist attraction in Brooklyn.)

Moral of the story, learn your measurements before ordering online.

-Mikayla Olivia Orrson